Having a relationship is a lot of work. Whether it is family, friends, or romantic, it is a two way street and requires an investment of time and emotion among other things. I mentioned in a previous post that the first person I dated wasn’t so nice. Our relationship ended through text, and it was awful. To this day I am still upset with how I acted and how he acted and just everything about the situation. So anyway I have this concept stuck in my head now that if I say something wrong or whatever through text that my current relationship will end because of it.
Now the rational part of me says that I am being irrational and that this relationship is different. There is a much higher level of respect and there is love, and a much stronger foundation in this relationship, to the point that a text message wouldn’t end it, no way. Not to mention that my current boyfriend is a complete sweetheart and is constantly trying to be supportive which must be exhausting considering the amount of crazy in my life lately. So anyway throughout our relationship, and especially because it is a long distance relationship, I have had to get used to expressing myself through text and sending messages I might not want to send because I am afraid they will set something off. Normally things go just fine and my rational self gets a pat on the back. Tonight just felt different, and there was no pat on the back for rational me.
I am having a hard time with my supervisor and was trying to explain this but my boyfriend just wasn’t getting it and so I got frustrated. I tried to voice why I was having a hard time tonight and he just wasn’t saying what I wanted because he was trying to problem solve while completely missing the point of why I was upset. I didn’t need problem solving, I needed a hug. My emotional reaction was on overflow and so I couldn’t even explain how he was hurting instead of helping. I ended up responding with just a string of letters out of frustration and not wanting to say something I would regret, I could see this potentially turning into an argument based on my past relationship experience even though my boyfriend and I haven’t argued before and I thought the string of letters might break the ice somehow. He said “Alright.” and then after a few minutes “I didn’t really have a response to that”. It just made me feel so crappy and like there was a total disconnect between us, I read the text as really cold. I really just wanted to feel loved and supported and like I was a competent person but him saying that just made me feel really sad and small. I felt like I had in the midst of the text breakup. So I hurriedly said goodnight even though I had no intention of going to bed anytime soon, and I didn’t include my usual heart emojis as a hint that I was upset. I know that my boyfriend didn’t do anything wrong and that he was doing his best. But I also feel like now I’ve put a wedge between us and added strain to our relationship that wasn’t there before because of my avoidance and passive aggressive tendencies. I almost want to have a big argument, but there is not really anything to argue about and I also don’t want to argue and end up breaking up somehow. The worst part is I just want to call him to be comforted but I’m crying and I don’t want to seem ridiculous for crying about something so irrational, and I really don’t want to make him feel bad for replying to my random string of letters the way he did. So instead of calling or telling him I am upset, I will sit here and continue to cry until I fall asleep. I will wake up tomorrow feeling sad and hurt, and hope that things go back to normal. I wish that I had been taught how to appropriately respond to and deal with these sort of situations and emotions, but unfortunately emotional abuse from parents does not provide that sort of necessary education. I am working on my irrational responses but its a lot of hard work and its not easy. Maybe one day I will figure out how to act like a normal person when these things happen, but until then I guess I will stay teary.