Family.

I’ve mentioned my family in previous posts, so you have an idea of them – if not you can find the posts. I recently found out that after the third time applying I finally got accepted into an SLP program! I was beyond thrilled. My dream job is going to be a reality! It made everything I did this past year (moving away, taking some undergrad courses, volunteering in a lab) completely worth it. But this victory feels a little hollow without family to be honest.

I called my parents when I found out, and I could tell they were happy for me, but because of how my parents are it felt a little empty. I’m not sure what I was expecting, they said congratulations and made all the right excitement noises. I guess I just wanted something more. I told my grandma, and that was hard because it means I can’t visit her as often as she likes since I am living farther away now, but we talk on the phone and that’s okay. I mentioned before how I don’t have contact with my brother or sister outside of social media. I was really feeling the need to tell the world I was finally successful, and so obviously posted on all my social media outlets. Weeks later they still haven’t liked the post. It hurts because I took the time to congratulate and celebrate them when they had babies, but they can’t do the same for me (okay I know getting into a program isn’t the same but it means the world to me right now). They like people who they haven’t talked to in years when they post about big things happening in their lives. I realize I’m asking a lot by wanting them to like the post because of how they have essentially abandoned me, but it doesn’t feel like its a lot to ask. My boyfriend and I are living with his sister and her husband now. I would say we know each other a little but not lots. They took me out for drinks and dinner to celebrate. It just made me sad because these people who were strangers 9 months ago took the time and money and everything to celebrate me, and my own family couldn’t even press the like button. I miss my family, and I hate it because I don’t want to love and miss them when they don’t love and miss me back.

I’m super into this band called Said the Whale and they have like two perfect songs for this. The first song is called “I love you” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAyU_Fbr77Y) and Tyler wrote it about his siblings he doesn’t know. I just find the emotion behind the song and some of the lyrics so relevant, and its kind of about loving them because they are family, even if they kind of suck or you don’t even know them. The second song is a b-side from their new album (check it out – its golden) and its called “F*cks to give” (sorry no video at this time). It has this one line that says “I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me back”. I’m not sure what inspired this one, but I definitely understand the feeling from that line. It’s so exhausting loving and hoping and waiting for family that just doesn’t reciprocate, but I can’t help doing it anyway. Tips welcome.

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