I wrote this post the night before my grandpa died, in November 2014. The irony in how happy I was going to bed with such a positive outlook on things to come, and how awful the following weeks were is just an extra little thorn in my side.
I just spent a little while looking through photos from my exchange. It was about 4 years ago that I spent 6 months of my life living and going to school in Australia. I have looked at these photos many times before, but tonight was different. Tonight I realized that I don’t know who the girl that looks like me in those photos is anymore. She has changed and grown over the past 4 years to the point where she isn’t as recognizable as you might think she would be. I was surprised to find myself thinking this. When I got back from my exchange I didn’t know who the person in my high school photos was. Now in my masters I don’t know who the person in my exchange photos was. I do know who I am right now, for better or for worse. I think I finally realized that the person I am now needs a break, she needs to visit the adventurous and (somewhat) more carefree person that she grew to be while on her exchange. The person I am now realized that she is ‘alone’* here, so why not be alone somewhere new and exciting. She needs to be set free again.
I have the opportunity to do a road trip with one of my best friends this summer, and I’m going to take it. I have the opportunity to visit family and friends in Europe this summer, and I’m going to try my best to take it. I have the opportunity to apply to programs all over the world once I am done my masters, and I am going to follow through with that. I am going to try to not think about the amount of work it will take to achieve these things and just accept that they are things I want in my life, and that they are worth it. More worth it than stressing and spending time on school work that I could instead spend doing more exciting things. As much as school matters, I need to be happy, and I need to set myself free from everything that has put on hold things that I want to do in my life. Tonight I am going to bed with a smile on my face, memories on my mind, and dreams filled with fresh possibilities and excitement. Thank you self, for finally giving me a break and making me feel like its going to be okay. I got a glimpse of this when I went to a concert by myself a few weeks ago, but the whole picture is a much better feeling. As Said the Whale sings in their song ‘Banks of the English Bay’ “one step in the right direction won’t change the world but it’s a start”. Man when things line up, they really line up nicely.
* I say I am alone here because I don’t feel that I have friends. Yes I have friends, just not in this city. Yes I am somewhat social with people at school, but they are not true friendships (at least not yet). My family is isolating. So essentially I am alone here, as alone as I would be somewhere new…and this is somewhere old.